PRODUCTION NOTES ROLL
EXTERIOR: CAPELLA HOUSE
It's a nice, quiet house in a sub-rural setting. Flowers bloom, leafs are green, and everything seems perfect. Camera takes in the whole picture first, then zooms in towards the door, which opens to let us in. Camera briefly swivels around to show interior. We hear a voice say:
Camera swings to focus on the kitchen, where we see a man preparing a Kraft macaroni and cheese dinner. The kitchen is a mess- bowls are unclean with cooking residue and the water boiling on the stove is about to brim over.
Zoom into the kitchen where we see WILLIAM placing a bowl containing butter in the microwave. The camera then swivels to reveal our first glance of KATHRYN.
She gives him a hug and a little kiss.
She steps out of his embrace and picks up a pot.
What is all this mess?
The microwave beeps its reply.
He takes the bowl out and peers into it. It's clear to us he's agitated.
He picks up the phone and dials 911.
He takes the phone from his ears and stares at it, then turns to KATHRYN.
KATHRYN sighs, then reluctantly picks up the phone.
- 3 - INTERIOR: FBI OFFICE It's a small and cramped corner office with a desk cluttered with papers and four chairs rearranged haphazardly. AGENT BRYANT sits behind his desk, and his partner, AGENT DUNWICH, sits next to it. The CAPELLAs are in the other two chairs. BRYANT (his eyes are on KATHRYN the entire time) Oh, you could imagine how pleased I was to hear from KitKat after all these years. WILLIAM turns to KATHRYN and mouths "KitKat?", a mixtured look of horror, shock, disbelief, and ridicule on his face. She gives him a bear-with-it kind of look, then turns her attention back to the FBI agents. DUNWICH (sarcastically; she doesn't think highly of her partner.) I bet you were even more pleased when you heard she had a husband. BRYANT (ignores her) What happened between us, KitKat? We used to be so close. KATHRYN I don't know, Alex. It's been so long, it's hard to remember. AGENT DUNWICH is getting bored with this conversation. She turns her attention towards WILLIAM. DUNWICH So, you say someone's been kidnapped. You don't seem to be too concerned for his welfare. WILLIAM Er, well, that's because it's not a someone. You see, everytime I put butter in the microwave, it mysteriously vanishes. It's not everyday butter vanishes- this gets BRYANT's attention and piques DUNWICH's interest. DUNWICH Are you sure it wasn't just a cooking fluke? They do happen, you know. WILLIAM I'm sure. It disappeared eight times! DUNWICH Eight times?! WILLIAM nods. (to KATHRYN) This must never have happened when you were cooking. KATHRYN nods her affirmation as BRYANT jumps up. BRYANT Eight times! I knew it! KitKat, Mr. Capella, your butter has been abducted by aliens. WILLIAM (reacts) Aliens? Oh, dear! He begins to look for aliens high and low, under the desk, in the trash can. He empties it. KATHRYN (simultaneously w/ DUNWICH) Alex! DUNWICH (simultaneously w/ KATHRYN) Bryant! TOGETHER Knock it off! BRYANT (holds his hands up in mock defeat) All right, all right! Yeesh, you guys really can't take a joke. Mr. Capella, I was just kidding. Aliens don't exist, so logically they couldn't have abducted your butter. WILLIAM Logically (pretends to spit). I never took much stock with that logic nonsense. It suddenly occurs to him that if aliens didn't take it, someone else had to. Well, wait, if aliens didn't take it, who did? BRYANT Hmm, I didn't think of that. Fortunately, I don't have to. The FBI is not the right agency for the job. You'll need to go to the NCAA. KATHRYN NCAA? What's that? BRYANT So glad you asked that. The NCAA is the National Culinary Arts Agency. They're equipped to deal with mysteries such as disappearing butter. KATHRYN (to WILLIAM) Well, I guess that's our next stop. She and WILLIAM stand and get ready to leave. (to the AGENTs) Thank you for all your help. BRYANT KitKat? Let's keep in touch, huh? KATHRYN nods, then she and WILLIAM exit. (shouts to their retreating backs) Hey, call me day or night if you ever want to talk! Or if you want anything else from me. And if you ever want to leave your husband, you know where to find me. I've got a lot to offer (points southward). DUNWICH You're pathetic. BRYANT That's why you love me, right babe? DUNWICH (rolls her eyes) Yeah, right. She exits, leaving a depressed looking BRYANT alone. - 4 - INTERIOR: OFFICES OF THE NCAA From what we see, these offices are much nicer, roomier and cheerier than the ones at the FBI. It's obvious that the NCAA has a big budget, though from what is unknown. A secretary sits at a desk, filing away at her nails and chewing gum. The CAPELLAs enter. SECRETARY (doesn't stop filing her nails) What can I do you for? KATHRYN How about a manicure? SECRETARY (doesn't get the little joke) Lady, this is the NCAA. In case you don't know, that means this is the offices of the National Culinary Arts Agency. It is not a beauty salon. She snaps her gum. Now, do you have business here, or do I have to call security? WILLIAM We'd like to report a culinary mystery. SECRETARY Who referred you? KATHRYN A friend of mine over at the FBI. Agent Alex Bryant. SECRETARY (gestures to the waiting area) Take a seat. Chef Agent Author Phenkursh will be with you in a moment. KATHRYN Don't you mean Chief Agent? SECRETARY No. KATHRYN Oh. The CAPELLAs take a seat. WILLIAM Friendly woman, isn't she? The camera zooms in on the clock, which reads 5:25. The hands suddenly go crazy, and fast-forward to 6:45. CUT back to the CAPELLAs, reading magazines and generally fidgeting. Suddenly a door creaks open, and out steps CHEF AGENT AUTHOR PHENKURSH. He is dressed all in black- a typical MiB. PHENKURSH What's this big culinary mystery I've been hearing so much about in the past hour and twenty five minutes that I'm supposedly investigating? SECRETARY (gestures to WILLIAM and KATHRYN) Ask them. She goes back to filing her nails as PHENKURSH looks to the CAPELLAs for an explanation. WILLIAM Er, well, I was cooking dinner this afternoon for my wife here, and when I put the butter in the microwave, it disappeared. Eight times. SECRETARY (to KATHRYN) This never happened when you cooked, did it? KATHRYN shakes her head. PHENKURSH And you've been to the FBI already? WILLIAM nods. Well, they must have ruled out aliens already. WILLIAM nods again. I'm all out of ideas. Perhaps you'd like to take me to the scene of the crime? WILLIAM nods yet again. - 5 - EXTERIOR: HIGHWAY A car moves from Point A to Point B during the twilight hours. - 6 - INTERIOR: CAPELLA HOUSE Again, everything is quiet, perfect. WILLIAM and KATHRYN have just finished giving PHENKURSH a tour of the house and are now in the kitchen. PHENKURSH Just like the others. He shakes his head and makes a clicking sound with his tongue as he writes something down on his notepad. KATHRYN What others? PHENKURSH (looks up) Hmm? Oh, the others. All across America, butter is being stolen right from people's own microwaves. There is something seriously wrong in the world when a man can't be sure his own butter will be safe in his microwave. WILLIAM (musing, thinking, pondering, wondering, speculating, meditating, cogitating, contemplating) Say, what if the butter really is being abducted by aliens? I've been thinking- who else has the technology to remove something that's been enclosed in four walls, a top and a bottom and then replace it with yellow watery stuff? The aliens must have used some sort of transporter technology to do it. PHENKURSH has been getting more and more anxious with every word that WILLIAM has uttered. KATHRYN Like in Star Trek? WILLIAM (bingo!) Like in Star Trek. Chef Agent Phenkursh, your agency has investigated these mysterious disappearances all across America, has it not? PHENKURSH (nervously) Er, yes. Why? Just what are you insinuating? I'll have you know we had nothing to do with it! WILLIAM (confused) I wasn't insinuating anything. But you sure are acting nervous all of a sudden. Why? Did you have something to do with it? PHENKURSH (angry) NO! I already told you I didn't. He studies WILLIAM and KATHRYN for a moment, then gets a guilty conscience for lying. All right! All right! Stop with the 20 questions already! Let up on the third degree! The NCAA had everything to do with it! We've been hoarding butter using our reverse-engineered alien transporter technology to beam it out and beam in a yellow watery substance in its place- just like in Star Trek. KATHRYN But why would the National Culinary Arts Agency do that? PHENKURSH (he begins to rant and rave and pull at his hair) We're not the National Culinary Arts Agency. We're the National Conspiracy Agents of America, and we're doing it so that in the future, when the cows have become an extinct species because of the aliens doing that mutilation thing they do, we'll have the world's supply of butter at our fingertips, cryogenically frozen, just waiting to be sold to the unsuspecting public for at least ten times the market value. WILLIAM (shocked) Oh, you horrible horrible people! PHENKURSH Oh, I don't care what you think of us! We'll be rich and you'll be poor and you'll never have any butter! He begins to laugh meglomaniacally. As he does, he goes into the refrigerator and grabs the butter, then places it into the microwave. He then taps a black NCAA insignia pin on his chest, and says: Beam it up, Scotty! Mwahahahahahahahaha! Oh, yes, and send the ninjas to the Capella house. KATHRYN (gasps) Ninjas? What ninjas? PHENKURSH These ninjas! He continues to laugh meglomaniacally as NINJAS flood the room and take a fighting stance. You've heard too much. Now you must die! WILLIAM That's what you think! I know Tae Kwon Doe! WILLIAM does a few impressive ninja-like manuevers, then assumes a fighting stance. PHENKURSH (points to WILLIAM and KATHRYN) After them! The NINJAS follow their order, and do a few impressive manuevers of their own. WILLIAM is ready for them and assumes a defensive position. However, the NINJAS are too much for his poor training and they poke him in the eyes. WILLIAM OW!!! That hurt! He goes to the couch and starts crying. KATHRYN rolls her eyes and goes to the couch to try and comfort him. However, a knock on the door comes, and a voice says: POLICE CHIEF (O.S.) Open the door. This is the police chief. PHENKURSH (gasps) Oh, no. The police chief! The one man who could thwart our plans to hoard butter! Quick, my little ninjas, to the Bat Mobile! I mean, the Rent-A-Wreck on loan from the NCAA Request Office! They exit through the various doors and windows as WILLIAM and KATHRYN watch, astonished. After PHENKURSH and all the NINJAS are gone, they get up from the couch and answer the door. The POLICE CHIEF barges in, along with several WHITE COATS. POLICE CHIEF Are you William Capella? WILLIAM nods. The same William Capella that called the police station and reported his butter missing? WILLIAM nods again. WILLIAM We found it, but thanks for caring. POLICE CHIEF (ignores him) (to the WHITE COATS) This is the one. Take him away. KATHRYN Excuse me, but where are you taking my husband? POLICE CHIEF Oh, only for a nice, long haul at the nut house where he can find his missing butter, and maybe put the cheese back on the cracker. We apologize for the inconvenience. WILLIAM (as he struggles to get away) What? But I'm not crazy! You must have the wrong William Capella. I've already found my missing butter. As for the cheese slipping off the cracker, well, I have no clue as to what you're talking about there. WHITE COAT #1 (not buying it) Oh, you don't, do you? Well, where was your missing butter, hmm? WILLIAM The National Conspiracy Agents of America was hoarding it and then freezing it ryogenically so that when the aliens mutilated the cows into extinction they could resell it for ten times the market value! And they were beaming it out of people's microwaves! Can you believe it? WHITE COAT #1 No. The WHITE COATS haul WILLIAM off. The POLICE CHIEF tips his/her hat to KATHRYN, and then follows the others. DUNWICH, looking sort of confused, lets herself in. DUNWICH Mrs. Capella? KATHRYN looks up. KATHRYN Yes? DUNWICH I have some news for you. Special Agent Alex Bryant died right after you left of a self-inflicted gun wound to the head. I read a quarter of his suicide note before I grew bored, but what it said was that he was a pathetic loser who could never get women. Personally, I think he was wrong. He was a pathetic slimeball loser who was lower than pond scum and could never get women. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you in person. KATHRYN I'm so sorry. DUNWICH For me? Don't be. This is the best thing that's happened since I've been partnered up with him. Now I can finally get ahead in the Bureau and never hear the word "alien" ever again. No, you should feel sorry for his wife. KATHRYN His wife? I didn't know he had one. DUNWICH Oh, yes. Right after you left and I called him pathetic and left, she apparently called to ask him to bring home some butter. According to the coroner and the Bureau's telephone records, he killed himself about three minutes after. KATHRYN I wonder what it could all mean. DUNWICH (shrugs) Quite frankly, I don't care. I just thought I should tell you in person that the lowest person on earth is now no longer here. DUNWICH leaves, and KATHRYN sits heavily on the couch. KATHRYN None of this ever happened when I cooked. THE END - 7 - ROLL END CREDITS