How to Have Fun When You've Got Writer's Block
By Dana Quell
Kathryn Janeway awoke with a start.
Her internal clock was telling her that she had overslept. In the
dark, though, it was hard to tell.
"Computer, lights." It took a second for the computer to respond, but when the lights finally flickered on, Kathryn saw that she wasn't in her quarters.
"I don't think we're on Voyager anymore, Koko," she said to her stuffed bear.
The bear, being inanimate as it was, did not reply.
Kathryn set about exploring this new place. It had a bed, which she had slept on. That was placed next to a yellow wall. The next wall was orange, and against that there was several pieces of furniture, also orange; a dresser, a nightstand, and a lamp. The dresser held several different outfits, all Kathryn's size. It was very odd indeed.
The next wall was red. Not an orangish red, or a purple red, but a deep, burgundy red that matched the colour of her uniform. Against this was a small desk.
The last wall was the most important. This wall had the door. The door, like the wall, was green. Bright, neon green.
How very odd, thought Kathryn. But before she could think anything else, a voice from above spoke.
"Kathryn Janeway, you shall put on the outfit provided for you and walk out of the green door to enjoy yourself. There are many places for you to have fun. There is a sports complex, complete with tennis courts and swimming pools, and also a masseuse. A carnival is provided twenty seven hours a day, eight days a week, where you may find any such enjoyable rides like the Zipper, or the Kamikaze. If that is not what you wish, there is also a library where you can borrow such books as 'The Great Turtle Race' or 'My Life: From Birth to Death and How It Got That Way'."
"And if I don't want to enjoy myself?" Kathryn asked the voice, looking all around for the communications system. Glancing upwards, she saw the ceiling painted to represent a gold sky, complete with silver clouds. Hidden within a cloud was the metal grating that she thought must be the com system.
"YOU WILL ENJOY YOURSELF!" the voice shouted back. It cleared its invisible throat, then said, much more dignified now, "If you cannot find it in your heart to have fun, then we will throw you back out into that world where no one has fun at all. And that would be no fun."
"I see," Kathryn replied, even though she didn't.
"Good. Now go out and have fun."
Kathryn shrugged, then picked out an outfit. "Might as well do what the big scary voice says, huh, Koko?"
The bear still did not say anything.
When she had dressed herself, she went to the green door. It opened for her. She stepped outside into a beautiful world.
The sky was gold, just the colour of her ceiling, and the clouds were silver. Up high, where birds laughed and played, a round, red sun smiled jovially down upon her and the ground. The soil beneath her feet looked like soil, except it was purple, and the grass was blue. Flowers of all shapes and sizes and colours added a nice touch to the scene. Animals romped and frolicked, happy with their meaningless but fun filled lives.
Noticing a path set in orange near her feet, she decided to follow it, clutching Koko tight against her. Koko was the only thing she had with her from Voyager, aside from her nightclothes, and she didn't want to lose him if she couldn't find her way back to the room, which she noted said '47' on the door.
At the end of the orange path, she found a sports complex, just as the voice had described. Though she did ache to get back on the courts, she hadn't her tennis racquet with her, and she wasn't about to play with any racquet that wasn't hers. There were too many people- mostly crewmembers- for her liking in the swimming pool. The masseuse also tempted her, but, remembering Chakotay's massage back on New Earth, thought that nobody could have given her a better one if they tried, and so declined.
Moving along, she discovered a yellow path. This one she took as well, and it led her to the carnival. This, also, was just as the voice had described. There were rides galore, and she noted that several crewmembers, dressed in similiar garb, were on most of them. But the rides didn't interest her; they never had. It was meant to be an old-fashioned carnival, but they could never top the real experiences she had experienced in her days with Starfleet. So she decided to move on, but could not find another path.
Then she came upon the section of the carnival where one could stay and waste money by playing games. Except this particular carnival let you play them for free, or so it seemed. Here she caught up with Tom showing B'Elanna, Harry, and Seven of Nine how to shoot an old rifle at a star drawn on a piece of paper.
"You hold the rifle like this, and then you- Kathryn! I didn't expect to see you here," Tom greeted her.
She lifted her eyebrows, questioning the ease with which he used her first name.
Seven of Nine explained. "Apparently, one cannot use rank here. The first time I tried, I was reprimanded by a voice."
"Oh." So that explained it.
"Care to take a shot?" Tom asked, offering her the rifle.
Kathryn frowned. "I don't think so. Maybe next time."
"Tell me, what is this place? Why are we all here?"
"This is the place of magic and delight," B'Elanna said. She didn't sound the least bit skeptical.
Harry cut in, wanting to get in his two cents worth of opinion. "The voice said that this was a place where we could drown our sorrows away."
Kathryn nodded. "But where's Voyager?"
"That we don't know." Tom sounded as if he didn't care. He began to shoot at the star.
"There's got to be something else, something we're not seeing," Kathryn said, almost to herself.
The man that was manning the shooting booth stepped towards her. "Listen, lady, you're dragging everyone down. Either get happy and have fun, or leave."
Kathryn looked him over, trying to figure out what sort of man he'd have to be to challenge a Starfleet captain. Yes, he was definitely the stupid sort of man. But today was not the day to pick a fight.
"Fine," she said, lifting her hands and backing away. "Fine."
After leaving the row of games, she found another path. This one was rainbow coloured.
"Wonder where this one goes," she said to Koko.
She found out quickly enough; it went to the library. Figuring she could borrow some books, even if they did have weird titles, and bring them back to her room to read, she entered. There wasn't a soul in sight.
"Hello?" she called, wanting to know if she could find 'Jane Eyre'.
"Hello? Hello? Hello?" her voice echoed back.
Kathryn sighed, then moved to browse through the shelves and shelves of books that were held in this great library. So interesting were the titles that when she did encounter a soul, immerst as she was in the titles, that she didn't notice him until she bumped into him.
"I'm so sorry," she began to apologize. She then drifted off when she realized that it was Chakotay.
"It's okay, Kathryn." This wasn't as weird as Tom calling her by her first name; after all, Chakotay had been calling her Kathryn for four years now.
They fell into silence. "Kathryn, do you find something... funny... with this place?"
"Funny as in everybody's trying too hard to have fun?" He nodded, and she glanced around to see if the big booming voice was listening. Seeing no one, but being paranoid anyway, she brought Koko in front of her face and said, "Yes."
"Me too," Chakotay replied. He held out the books he was holding in front of him. "And these books are suspicious, too."
She looked at the titles; How to Have Fun Anywhere, How to Have Fun In 10 Easy Steps, How to Have Fun On Rainy Days, and How to Have Fun On Sunny Afternoons.
"You're right, they are."
"What do you make of it?"
Kathryn thought for a moment. "Aliens have kidnapped the entire race so they could have Voyager, and put us in this place because they think if we have fun, we'll forget about our ship."
He frowned. "It's been done before."
She shrugged. "Maybe the aliens don't know that."
"It's not aliens," the loud scary voice boomed.
They both jumped.
"Okay, so it's big, scary voices," Kathryn remarked to Koko.
"It is not big, scary voices." The voice paused. "Okay, it's big, scary voices."
"Told you," Kathryn replied, sticking out her tongue at the voice.
"You two are not having fun. Even in the library."
Another pause. "Well, the dictionary defines fun as 'mirth; droller; sport'. We define fun as 'getting it on'. So get it on already. It's the library, for Paul's sake."
"Who's Paul?" Chakotay asked.
"Someone who paid to see you have fun, so do it!"
"I'll be kicked out of the library? Sorry, but I've already been kicked out of that so-called 'fun' carnival, and it wasn't that fun."
"That was a different sort of fun. We were hoping that you would have more fun with this type of fun. But we can see that you are not a fun person and so you are hereby kicked out of Funland."
"Fine, I didn't like your Funland anyway." Kathryn glared at the silent Chakotay and nudged him with her elbow.
"Ow! Kathryn, it might be fun to try their kind of fun!" Seeing her Death Glare, he decided not to push her. "Ok, ok. I didn't like your Funland much either. Not that I got to experience most of it, but... OW! Will you stop nudging me, Kathryn? The big, scary voice is right, you are not a fun person."
Kathryn gave him one last Death Glare before the guy from the shooting booth came and 'escorted' both of them out of the library, dumping them into blackness from the back door.
"Now what?" Chakotay asked, looking around in the big dark void.
Kathryn frowned. Something was wrong; it was dark all around them, but they could see each other just fine. It was like they were on a darkened stage, but it was okay because they were surrounded by spotlights. "I don't know," she replied absently, trying to figure out how it was possible to see him.
Just then a big, scary boot came from behind them. Chakotay saw it first and let out a shrill scream. "That was not a very fun thing for you to do, Chakotay, screaming in my ear like that," Kathryn muttered, wanting to retaliate for his bitter remark.
He spun her around and she gasped. They turned again and began running in the darkness, getting no where. However, the big, scary boot wasn't getting any closer either. The big, scary voice, which had been watching, started laughing.
Then the big, scary boot, which was rainbow coloured (if anyone wanted to know), caught up to them and kicked them hard on their asses. They both screamed as they flew through the air.
And they fell with a thud. "Ow," Kathryn said, sitting up. It was dark again. But not so dark she couldn't see Chakotay's shape. It appeared he was unconscious.
She began shaking him. "Chakotay, Chakotay, are you okay?"
He opened first one eye, then the other. "Computer, lights." The room flooded with illumination to show that they were in her quarters, in her bed. "Kathryn, I should be asking if you're okay. What time is it?"
She frowned and shook her head, and then she remembered. Kathryn glanced down at her hands, where a single gold band rested on her left ring finger. A wedding band. They were married. That explained why they were sitting in the same bed, both clad in their birthday suits. "I don't know... I must've had a bad dream. Sorry to wake you."
Chakotay frowned. "Want to talk about it?"
Kathryn shook her head. "No, not right now. Maybe in the morning."
He nodded and ordered the computer to turn the ligths off. "Try and get back to sleep. You've got an early duty shift later."
Just before she drifted off, she asked, "Chakotay, do you think I'm a fun person?"
He didn't answer; she thought he had gone to sleep. But five minutes later, when she was just entering the first stages of sleep, he replied, "Not when you wake me up at two in the morning."
J'ai fini l'histoire, How to Have Fun When You've
Got Writers Block, et je travaille maintenant ecriver Lonely Child.
Regarde cette and plus histoires j'ai ecrive(please excuse the fact that
there is no dash thingy atop the last e in ecrive).
Extra Credit: Count up how many times I said fun. Then send it to me. You'll get a surprise in return.
Extra Extra Credit: Trying the frst Extra Credit? Go for #2, 2! Translate my French, and perhaps tell me how to get the dashy thingy on top of the e.
Extra Extra Extra Credit: Wow, you are special if you are trying for this. Become my temporary beta reader and correct all my mistakes s'il vous plait. :)