I have to write this quickly, before I can bring myself to stop -- before the words stop flowing out of my fingertips into this keyboard. They used to run like silk out of a spider's spinneret, but now... well, I think all the silk has been used up. Spun into hundreds of tiny webs and placed in dusty corners for only spiders to enjoy.
I can feel the restlessness of change coming over me; I am becoming something -- someone -- different and I hate it just as I do everytime this change takes me over, but I have no choice in this matter. I never get to stay the same for even just a little while; I never get to stay in one place before it's off to the next one. I never get to be just one person before I become another.
And I leave a trail of broken dreams and salty tears behind, as well as a great number of dear friends. And time goes on and I adjust, just as everyone else does, to my new situation and then, just as suddenly as before, I'm moving on before I even realise it. And there's no turning back, never can I look back or I'm lost in an ocean of tears and bittersweet memories. I'm just this great, blazing ball of frosted fire that has lost control over its path, leaving a wake of pain and destruction.
I used to have this dream, this illusion, of somehow regaining control, of finding some place where I'd like to stay and some person who I'd like to stay as and then being able to stop, to say, "Here, this is where I remain." But that's all it is, an illusion. And I've become disillusioned.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (one of my fellow Gemini's) once said, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." What lies within me is what lies behind me; lies and more lies. Change. What lies before me is what lies behind me. Only change to remain constant.
I don't remember where I was going with this; I don't think I ever knew. But I just want to apologize to all those who I leave in my wake. I know a simple apology can't make up for all I've done and all I've left behind, but it's the best I can do. It's the only thing I can do.
And I just wanted to say goodbye, friends. What I've left behind is not nearly as important as who I've left behind.
All the best wishes,
"I gave my love a
diamond, a ten cent stone,
I gave her lonely teardrops and nights alone.
I gave my love a promise that had no truth,
What good is a promise without no truth ?
I gave my love a
fortune in silver and gold,
I gave it to her lie by lie by lie by lie that I had told.
I gave my love a story that had no end,
What good is a story that's got no end ? Tell me.
I wrote her that
we'd get married in about one year's time.
I wrote her in a boxcar on the Memphis line.
I sent my love a letter without no stamp - ha!
And what good is a letter without no stamp ?
I'm feelin' so alone I'm movin' on.
I ain't got no tall tale.
Don't call me - I'll call you.
I Gave My Love A Diamond, Van Morrison